Sometimes you can't hate a time person or thing no matter how much you should because at some point it made you smile and forget everything.
We say its useless to cling to a thought or a feeling which doesnt mean anything anymore. But the thing is that we Know it has no meaning but its ours and there's this comfort in remembering it , keeping it. Most people dont understand that, they just judge you, they judge and think youre, well plain stupid.

Read this somewhere, its just how narrow our thinking is. A broader view would just open our eyes. :

Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we have NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. No one should ever have to deal with bullying in their life, it has more of an effect on people than you may think and doesn't just affect the person being bullied.

Yesterday and Tomorrow

'Yesterday has passed. Tomorrow never comes. It is to dwell in today and make the most of it.'
Is it really that easy to forget the past, leave the future and focus on the present? No. This is exactly something we do not do.

The past might have gone and will never come back but it holds something greater. Memories. Memories strong enough to make you cling to the past no matter how hard you try not to. Good or bad, either way they're always part of you. Whatever they gave you ; guilt, happiness, sorrow, comfort, smiles, something to cry on, something to miss. Whatever it is since they're part of you they just don't let go.
In the end.. Well you get accustomed to living with them and love them even though they kill you from the inside.

Then there is the future. Tomorrow. Something took forward to? Even though we don't know what surprises life has for us in the store, what it has already written for us. We still go through the extensive process of planning it out. Everyday, every minute. With exact details of how We want something, ignoring the fact of how bitterly disappointing it can get when life plays its game but being humans we never fail to live in our own constructed world.

We forget to live in the present.  In the end that's how it alll is.

The me of yesterday.

The perfect world sure did exist. In this weird twisted way, compelled to believe how selfless and helpful the human population would be. Love would prevail over everything. Faults would be regarded as points to improve and so on.
Sounds quite bizzare to the any sane person today. Something to have a nice laugh at. Of course who would in their right minds be like This in todays world ?
But this is the ideal bubble we all had in us at one point in life. Every child has. And we sit here waiting for that bubble to pop and for him/her to step into reality to become that inhumane human that we have all become.
No relation has that essence of truth in it anymore. Love is merely a word with a lost meaning which hardly anyone can find. Breaking hearts is the new fashion. Having a high number of relations is a competition.
Each person might not be selfish and selfcentered but when looking at the world they see they can't survive being some alien being (read: helpfull) they unintentionally turn themselves into the evil they swore not to become. And so the whole chain grows longer and longer every single day.
None of this is unknown to any of us, but we very conviniently turn a deaf ear to it, at times by writing you not only remind another person but also yourself.
Kindness is always rewarded, in one way or another. Never wasted.

I don't know what to name this.

The suffocation now became unbearable, almost deathly, the whole world spinning around. No one realized what was happening while she sat there took it all in. Dying inside she becane strong, somewhere it gave her the strength to live a life even better. But it still always remained ibside her never to leave her with true peace.

12:38 am

Today I'm making a list like I did last year. I have complete and total faith that God will ALWAYS give you what you ask Him for unless its in any way not good for you or He has planned something even better.

Bent on learning about how the mind works.
Hopefully socio might help just a little to get started,.

Another all time favorite .

A sort of..something. kay

154 Days After

Looking back, seeing how perfect things used to be, wondering how easily everything could change to what you never wanted.
Everything was bearable , nothing seemed impossible, everything made so easy, every moment made so beautiful. Some can do it all, and then take it all back. You can never know who it might be.
Not just one person, it's the whole time and everything that went with the flow. It's sometimes quite surprising how it could have actually happened.  A blink of an eye and what you never dreamed of is yours, another blink and its all gone. 

If bad times don't last for long..Neither do the good ones
. 

Bits of nostalgia.
That one place in my house I really avoid going to, but maybe today I'll sit there and think.
Sick of looking at my cell.
Will live with my own belief.
Hope will forever live.
 

The video in my head.

It becomes the most frustrating thing in the world at times, yet is one you love the most. The video of the times you cherish most playing in your head over and over again, what sucks is that you can't LOOK at it.

It would be like watching a favorite movie over and over again, living every single moment like it once happened with the same feeling, the same response the same everything.

Get a nice machine made to record these as videos. Till then I close my eyes and let them play and feel and love them till I can't keep my eyes closed anymore :P
 

I feel safer here. it's like heaving a sigh of relief. To just let it all flow out in whatever manner it is to come.
I can never get rid of this song. :  (Payphone) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FlQSQuv_mg

8:47 p.m

Some time back I read Daniel Steel's "To love again" I specifically picked it up because that is something I found very hard to believe, the book was good..very good actually. For a while it did change my view, but then again I went back to being the same old me not believing..let's see how long not believing it lasts. Just hope that I don't have to be in a place to believe it. :)

Glistening Tears

She thought about it all the time, she could not remember the last time she had stopped thinking about it for than 5 minutes. For all she knew, the thought was always there at the back of her head somewhere hidden yet frequently exposed. Something she just could not seem to get rid of.

She lay on the bed in the dark staring at whatever she could make out of the ceiling, she didn't know who she was talking to but the words just came out. There was nothing she said that would make sense to anyone listening but it was a blissful feeling for her to get rid of the load she was carrying, to hear her own voice saying things she always just thought of and could never really speak out.

She knew 'Here' was nothing but a hollow space.

She took long walks under the beautiful night sky occasionally, looking up at the black blanket filled with the oh-so-beautiful stars she once wished upon...Actually she would still do, there was still a part of her which would do anything it could for her.
She walked for a while not sure of what to think about. She let the occasional tears roll down. They felt hot on her cheeks cooled by the wind.

It didn't matter what anyone said or did, it didn't matter what they tried to make her understand. Infact, she didn't care because this was what she had made her life into. Might have been nothing significant at all but it was everything that ever mattered to her and it always will not matter where life takes her. But then waht really is significant? Nothing, nothing at all.

For once she doesn't care what happens to her. She doesn't give a shit about the damned reality. All her life she lied in the perfect fantasy, a dream world of her own, just as perfect as she had planned it out. She stepped into reality and for a while it almost felt the same. But soon enough, it showed it's true colors. She was fast to accept, even if she did not believe, that everything could not be the same, but now it was her strength and belief which put her on a road to look for that perfect world in her imperfect life. She is now on that quest, and is sure not to be disappointed. Because glistening tears do nothing but increase sorrow, the pain someone once put into you.
 

A Deeper Connection

What the sky has with the clouds.
What the sand has with the water.
What the monitor has with the key-board.
What the window has with the door.
What the table has with the chair.
What the lamp has with the bulb.
What the shelf has with the books.
What the Ipod has with the songs.
What the camera has with the pictures.
What humans have with each other.

Do we fail to acknowledge?
Or do we simply just ignore?

These connections never fail.
Then how could the one between us so easily go ?

  

11:46

I don't want a fairy-tale, just a life where your world belongs to me.
 

Beach 2012

Always written essays on beaches , seen beautiful shots of the water , gazed at the strokes of the brush capturing the calm beauty. Always looked at it as a beautiful place to be in, to have fun in.
What I had forgotten was that it holds a much deeper meaning. Some sort of connection with our souls, something we love. I like to call it the treasure chest of memories. I believe that ever memory I make is stored in the water, the sand, the cool winds and everything that is there and when each year I go back, it's like going back to everything. It's like reliving the past, all of it. In a more refined and beautiful way, and with the same feeling the same thinking I go back to where I once belonged. Where my heart left me, where everything held meaning...where it all made sense.

It's enchanting. Being me all over again.

   

10:23 p.m

Something almost about to get lost comes back. Nothing but a flawless thought. Enough to let it all flood in again. Drowning in a sea of unrealistic beliefs...
 

Realistic Fantasy

Being optimistic can overcome all negative possibilities that were probably bound to attack you.
Living in fantasy is eternal happiness. A place where you belong. A place where you make things work. A place that is a world of your own. No damned reality, no extra drama just the blissful perfectly spiced up life you need. Sometimes it's not reality that bugs me, it's the twisted way it is revealed to us in. Something like a bomb dropped in a calm ocean.

The thing with reality is that when you get what you never asked for and then it's ripped off, it's as bad as bullet going in your arm. You don't die, you're not okay but there's that excruciating pain you can't bear. It's almost as  if discovering for the perfect reality we miss on the fantasy we could be living in. The one good thing about fantasy is that it makes you happy and live for the moment, and in the end if your fantasy does not turn to reality, you're way past it. So much that it doesn't even matter whether it happens or not anymore

Live in reality making it your fantasy.

The 'Once upon a time'..

When pulled overboard with the sudden thought of being pushed away, it felt like a stone kept above a her, a weight unbearable. Her heart sank pinning her down, she tried getting up but things weren't the same anymore. Sleeping always was the best escape.

Hidden for a bit.

 It might sometimes be amusing but then get confusing. Fitting in the tangled web of someone's life may not be the easiest task, but once you're there, you're just...there.

Impact of thinking. It's how we think that makes a difference. (It literally does)
Of all that I saw, heard, read, imagined, thought of, and most of all believed, I was still always lost.
It all came back, all the thinking, it does have an impact somewhere in your life. What you apparently thought you had never imagined in your wildest dreams came true is actually something you always knew would happen in that little part of your brain.

Impact of moments is the greatest. They come in and stay. Stay till they're not embedded in every part of you. Every nerve of your brain, every cell of your heart. They decide to either ruin you or make you happier. Stronger? Never. The memory of each moment, good or bad, will either make you regret, depress and kill you or make you smile, laugh , forget and live on. It's just how you choose to look at it. None of it makes you stronger or move on, that's just what we believe in to let the bad ones go easy.

In the end, it all matters.

 

End.

It was always in front. The end. Always known yet conveniently ignored and forgotten, always hidden by will and desire, hoping it always remains the same, trying to work everything out as perfectly as never done. Clinging to every bit. Moving as slow as possible like drinking a favourite drink, nice and slow to get everything it has to offer, but now as we go further it is inevitable to see. We still move and walk right into it, thinking of getting past, but who has ever been past the end ? It's not just hitting it that's disaster, it's the whole journey till this point that's the real disaster. Then all is left inexpressible. Ignorance might be bliss for a while but that doesn't change it from being part of disaster.

And today I realize, that's the only path I can see.

Unperceived Thoughts 3

She knew where she was headed, the previous leaving everything to fate showed her many doors. Doors which would lead her either to happiness or to destruction, whatever she would choose. It was true though, that one of these doors was her destiny, which would take her where she knew she was bound to be. Where she knew she would be happy, where she knew she would be trapped..never to get out. What would fill her with life would at one point, virtually kill her. It was obvious that she would have to face all emotions here, it was obvious she would have to deal with all rewards and punishments here. A complete package it was. A package that would either make her stronger or break her. It all depended on what she was made to do. Knowing it all, she let it go because desire always over-powered the strength to think wisely.

Unperceived Thoughts 2

Too scared to believe it , she quickly ushers the thought away but something inside tells her it's not so easy to run away. You wont make it easy. The thought of being just a pastime gives her the chills. She believes, she believes in being true to everything she gives a chance , even knowing you might not think the same way. Today for the first time in her life, she's scared of herself. Scared of a wrong decision she might take. Something that might end her up in disaster. Scared that she might believe in what's not even there.
You come up to her, being the same cheerful friendly person you always are. Just the sight of you get's her thinking , but today, she's strong. Strong enough to let life take her wherever she is destined to be. Hanging around, having fun living the moment she loves inside. Forgetting that that the love might crush her.
She smiles, she knows. Only hoping her delusional self is wrong.
   

Unperceived Thoughts 1

Turning over to a new page, starting a new chapter isn't as easy as it may sound. Pushing someone away will give guilt, giving them a chance may give satisfaction. Keeping oneself locked up inside may not always be the solution but becoming vulnerable to the world is no option. Liking people is easy, trusting them wisely is intelligence. Thinking is an art, over-thinking is stupidity.
With all these thoughts in mind she looks up at you, gazing in those beautiful , perfectly shaped , shiny eyes. The eyes in which she sees herself. Somewhere between the taunts and the laughter she saw the way you looked at her. Somewhere between the morning hellos and evening goodbyes she felt the tingle down her spine. Scared of what may come her way she hung around constantly pushing every thought away. She quickly looks away hoping no one saw the deep 30 second stare. A million things rushing through her mind she grabs a cup of coffee and sits alone ready to give her head a chance. A chance to think. A chance to re-live all the memories she was so bitterly drowning. She looks up to see them all stand and laugh at something, she sees you ignorant of what's going around you, she sees you deep in thought. It's as if she can read your mind. She know's exactly what you are thinking, but what matters to her most is virtually stepping into the future, to make sure she's not in for disaster and that is exactly when she slips.
The fun and laughter go on, keeping herself ignorant of the reality she once thought and now knows. For the second time in her life she sees what she's wanted.